Start a discussion about men’s rights and most of them jump to statistics about how many women lost their lives years ago. Talk about women’s rights and most of them state about how men also deserved to be treated justly for their sufferings. It sounds like an impasse and it is hard to convince one group at a time. That’s the challenge Ishita was facing at this point – being a law student discussing gender justice in context with marriage. She drowned in the world of imagination and began to fantasise about gender equality in marriage in India. Let’s catch up with her thoughts balancing matrimonial rights across genders, and how they may help ease the chaos.
Need for Gender Neutral Laws
In a recent encounter during Ishita’s internship at a Law Magazine, a guy was told to replace women empowerment images from a blog about gender justice, but he countered. According to him, it’s only women who suffer in a marriage. Then a few days later, he urged the legal minds to help fight a false case lodged against him and his family by his wife after a heated argument in the family. Now, he expressed his realization of why gender equality in marriage is much needed. That is the thing – we do not realize the seriousness of this situation unless it happens with one of us. Women can be victims, that is not denied, but men can also be victims in a marriage, and the sooner we understand this, the better.
Ishita seized the opportunity to strike a group discussion on gender equality from a legal lens. Imagine a world where Indian laws for matrimonial rights keep both men and women at an equal pedestal. If you think it is all about only women being treated differently, then let’s take a tour into Ishita’s fantasies for a better understanding.
Reimagining Rishta Meetings
In India, if it is a love marriage with both families in agreement, then the aspects related to family business, salary, or real estate are usually sidelined. However, when it is an arranged marriage setup, how much the guy earns, the number of siblings (for future inheritance), and properties owned by the family weigh a lot.
Earlier, Ishita’s cousin brother was a product in the marriage market. While they had a house in their hometown, a rental apartment in the city was a challenge for getting him married. While he earned good for someone working for the past 6-7 years, this girl found it interesting to compare his salary with that of her mother and mock him about financial stability. On the other hand, now that it was time for Ishita’s own sister to look for arranged marriage options, her family’s financial weakness at the time overcame her salary. How lavish the marriage should be was a big burden over Ishita’s family. Nobody ever talked about building an understanding of each other for the couple and their families to build a life-long bond.
Ishita in her fantasy imagined a world where people are not marrying to secure financial stability, or social status. A world where two families wish to build a relationship with the aim to support each other in overcoming hurdles regardless of how rich or poor another party is. Where there is no discussion over how much the other may have to spend to please the families in the name of marriage. Two people want to marry not for profits but to build a better life for each other. Where even the guy may be asked to live with the family where the girl is an only child, and nobody finds this odd. Also, when an arranged setup does not sprout between known, the legal system steps up for investigation reports for a marriage to confirm in the same way as done for a divorce.
No Gifts – No Dowry
Ishita had studied the Dowry Prohibition Act and knew that Giving or taking dowry is against the law, and punishable as well. However, in India, dowry is demanded from the girl’s family in a subtle way that it will come in use for the girl only. On the other hand, even if the guy’s family strictly denies anything, gifts are given in the name of rituals.
Now what happens is the same things which were gifts at the initial days, become dowry when the matrimonial relation goes south. Ishita had seen such cases during her internship at a Matrimonial Lawyer.
Ishita imagined a world where two people get married only with blessings, and build their world from scratch. There is no financial favour from either side, and the couple works harder to build a better life together. In this world, nobody questions the other about what she brought with her in marriage, and what his family did to support the married couple.
Zero or Shared Wedding Expenses
Weddings are regarded as a lifetime event in India, and people literally spend all they earn, just to please extended relatives whom they rarely see. Ishita has always had a problem with this idea. When her sister’s expenses were being discussed, she could relate how unnecessary things were costing in lakhs. However, there was no whisper from either side to reduce the wedding expenses. She had also seen that it was not just the girl’s side who bears the expenses of a marriage, the guy’s family also have their own functions and rituals to spend on.
Ishita was again lost in a world where wedding was about preparing a new life with the spouse and bonding with their families. There is no headache of saving lakhs just to spend on a 3-day wedding affair. The couple have their savings dedicated to building a better life and savouring their travel plans and life’s adventures together.
Married Couples and Financial Management
Ishita had been living in an illusionary world that a man and a woman should both be working to support their household and day-to-day expenses. When she read that the law requires the man to maintain his wife during marriage, divorce proceedings, and even after divorce, she found it absurd. Even being a girl, her first thoughts were – are women not capable enough in the eyes of law?
Ishita’s wild thoughts sought shelter in fantasising gender equality in marriage, where both husband and wife bring together their earnings and divide the expenditure and savings. They work as a team! Where sacrificing a career to take care of home/children/sick family members is an option for both. Even if the marriage does not work out, they still have a plan and their own sources of income to support them post divorce. In this world, even the prenuptial agreements help couples with financial management.
Shared Responsibilities of House and Children
Ishita had noticed that whenever there are whispers of men’s rights, the first aspect someone counters with is that “Women have to leave behind their career for family and children”. Ishita always had a question – Don’t the family and children belong to both husband and wife? Then why is it that the woman is supposed to sacrifice her career, while the man keeps climbing the career ladder? And why is it that leaving his job to become a stay-at-home Man is out of question?
Ishita fantasised a home where sacrificing a career is not even required. A place where husband, wife and all the family members take household chores as their shared duty. It never dawns as a burden only upon the woman. Regardless of whether it is a man or a woman, everyone knows how to cook, how to do the dishes and clothes, make a living with a job or business, how to save and where to invest the money.
Love and Care for In-Laws
Being a student of law, Ishita was well aware that where there is a matrimonial dispute, the husband was never alone, his family is involved, regardless of their role in such marriage. The reason? Because the laws say that a husband or his family can be prosecuted for treating a married woman with cruelty. Are we saying a wife’s family cannot torture the husband? Ishita had seen the opposite, where her friend was repeatedly harassed by his wife and her family over not taking a job overseas.
Ishita, in her fantasy, goes to a home where the guy is the first to surprise his in-laws on their anniversary. Nobody can anticipate who he is talking about when he says “My Mother”. The wife on the other hand once in a while goes shopping with her mother-in-law, calling it a Girls’ Day Out. Having two fathers makes her feel more safe in either house. Their children are always confused about the grandparents, as to who is whose biological father or mother. Rather than prosecution of in-laws, it is a beautiful loving relationship.
Marriage or Divorce not a Burden
Working closely with the Matrimonial Lawyer made one thing clear for Ishita – that divorce is never smooth. Regardless of whether it is a mutual consent divorce or proving a contested one for proving grounds of divorce, it is a battle. The reason is that people make it a matter of ego. They think that with marriage, a person owns the spouse. All kinds of allegations are posed at the spouse, genuine or not, just to get or avoid divorce. The love that once prospered vanishes in the name of divorce.
Going back to her fantasies of gender equality in marriage, Ishita imagines a different legal system. It is about balancing matrimonial rights – where either or both parties approaching the Court for divorce duly conveys the intention to end the marriage. Rather than dismissing the matter based on technicalities, on whether it complies with the reasons or grounds for divorce, the Court takes a more humane approach. A few attempts of mediation or conciliation may prove good. But when Courts realize that things have gone too far, they just allow divorce, even if one-sided. Where nobody has to prove that the marriage is over to someone who never witnessed the couple as married one. Though easy divorce may not be good for the statistics of a society, it may bring ease for those trapped in a foul marriage.
Post Divorce – No Enmity
Marriage is a union, and when it breaks with a divorce, the two soulmates usually become foes for life. Ishita can understand that the major reason is the legal battle, where nobody gains everything, while one of them loses everything. The one at the losing point can be a husband who lost a spouse, a house, children, and a lot of money in the name of alimony. Another at the losing point is the wife who may have won at child custody or maintenance, but loses her existing marriage, and mostly another chance for marriage.
Ishita reimagines a world where gender equality in marriage goes beyond marriage. Even when the couple is divorced, their once sweet relationship and smoother divorce leads the way for a friendly coup. The law does not burden one of them so much that they keep a distance due to fear of getting entangled in another legal conflict.
Shared Parenting – Shared Piggy Banks
Balancing matrimonial rights in India is a tough act, because the laws favour women a lot. Speaking of child custody, mostly women get it, while the father may get visitation rights, or never be able to have a glimpse of his child(ren). Ishita finds it way too difficult for a man, especially in India. Though getting married and building a family again is an option for men, it does not come as easy. Fathers are the ones who lose child custody but are made liable for maintenance for their wife and children.
Ishita while fantasising gender equality in India eyes a family where children are giggling, and parents are friendly, even after divorce. They mutually decided to have children, and understand the fact that even when they ended the marriage, they are still parents. Hence, even Courts order for shared parenting, while children still have a stable house. On taking care of children’s expenses, that also goes upon both. Nobody is burdened, and nobody has to plead to an ex-spouse for meeting their own child.
Conclusion
Ishita’s world of fantasy is way too ideal to picturise gender equality in India. However, we can aim at one step at a time. The current scenario is either or both the spouses face a terrible fall while fighting for matrimonial rights. Marriage for sure is a sacred union. The Legal System should not force a marriage on anyone. It should never become a burden on either side. If they cannot live like a family, they should be allowed to part ways. Financial burden should not tumble one, while the other one is at ease. Ishita’s imaginary attempt at balancing matrimonial rights should pave the way for something better.
